A. Great question! As I focus on this, there is actually a little bit of both going on. When we are in spirit we do chose what lessons and experiences we will learn in our next incarnation. We are then born into circumstances that will allow those lessons and growth to occur. As opportunities arise, we can learn and expand, or we can (through free will) disregard the opportunity as a lesson and go a different path.
The lesson will keep being taught in hopes you will accomplish your goal you set during the pre-incarnation. Sometimes the path to your goal is difficult, in fact most times the most difficult path creates most reward. It is the easy path that leads you to the cycles of repetition.
When you are talking about "accountability" it is difficult to apply to terms in a Universal perspective. The Universe works in balance. Things aren't "bad" or "good" they just "are." You have to have contrast or you could not fully understand a concept. If every day was sunny, you would not have the experience of a cloudy day, and you would start to lose appreciation for a beautiful sunny afternoon (How many of us look forward to fall in the blazing summer, or dream of summer while shoveling snow?). It's just like the quote, "the sweet isn't so sweet without the sour."
To piggyback on what I just said, it isn't as much what you did in this life, it boils down to if you learned and grew from the experience. Did you just repeat cycles over and over, or did you expand in some way? For example, there could be a good person, very giving, here to focus on overcoming abandonment. On the outside they are full of love, but on the inside they are always searching for something without realizing another person is a compliment to their life, but isn't the sole focus or a failing on their part if they leave. This person will repeat this experience with either family, friends or a partner until they understand. If they don't overcome that lesson on this life, it will carry to the next in some form.
Likewise, there could be someone who does terrible things. We have been and will be all things in order to fully understand and grow. If their intent was to experience greed (a lesson they agreed to experience in the first person tense), then they accomplished it and can move on. This may sound like an oxymoron, but as complex as some of this is, when it is broken down into Universal perspectives, it is about getting and learning a predetermined set of lessons.
Q. If we harm someone or we are rude to them, it creates conditions for that person to grow and learn. So, are we still wrong if another person learns from our behavior?
A. Again, it isn't a right or wrong. It is the takeaway you gain. And, it depends on what you agreed to work on in this life. Source isn't sitting up there with a tally sheet for everyone, but in the end it is what it did for you personally.
Q. Are we doing anything wrong if we do harm to someone else, if we were predestined to do it?
A. This is where the 3D existence overlaps the Universal perspectives. In the 3D it is morally and ethically wrong, but Universally, it is about learning and growing. We are spiritual beings (Universe) confined to a human body with punishable human rules (3D). We have to work in harmony honoring both our spiritual and physical aspects.