Saturday, September 8, 2012

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy since 2009. In August 2011, he decided he needed a break because he wasn’t ready for certain responsibilities. In May of 2012, he came back and wanted us to rekindle the relationship. I decided to give it a go. July, I was plagued with drama from his ex (who was/is apparently pregnant, she supposedly had an abortion) but she doesn’t want to let him go and uses “she is still pregnant” against him. I want to know if am hindering their relationship?! If so, I will remove myself. He claims he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Every day, I ask why am I in the middle of this mess? I do not want to waste my time if he is not serious. Where do you see this is going? What do you see in the near future? Is it me or her?!? Is he playing games? Asha, DOB 11/15/80 Valley Stream, NY

8:15 PM - Alright I will just describe the story that I see it as it plays in my mind:  This guy was in a relationship with you, he really loved you, but their was a piece of the relationship that made him feel really insecure, and it was not that he felt you would be unfaithful, but it was more of what he was lacking on his part and he viewed you as more of a stronger and dominant person, and he felt that he needed you more than you needed him.  And my impression is that you wanted more out of the relationship and a part of him wanted to give you what you wanted, but his insecurities got in the way and that is why he ended things.  And then after he was single and this other woman came into his life, he dated her and she was in a spot in her own situation where she just was not the type of person that could be alone or wanted to be alone, and would rather trap him into a pregnancy than risk being alone.  And I am having an image of a friends of mine who went through a similar situation so it is really helping me to understand the dynamics of what is happening, and even though this pregnancy could have been prevented and it was foolish, it is not what he wanted, he was kind of being trapped by her and even while he dated her and was going through all this he still pined for you.  And I do not even think she told him about the pregnancy early on, I think she waited until she was probably close to 3 months or so before she let him know.  And when he started things back up with you, my impression is that he might not have even known that this other woman was pregnant at the time and the tug that she has on him is guilt, it is not love, because he is torn between doing the right thing.  And my impression is that he really does love you and because you are that more stronger personality it is like he is drawn to you trying to get strength from you through this crappy situation.  I do agree that it is a mess and he is in the middle of trying to do what he morally and ethically thinks is right with this other woman, but then also trying to have a real relationship with you.  And I do see it being a battle with him and this other woman for a long time, and it is going to be child support, visitations, it is going to be a lot.  I keep hearing the word financial, financial, financial.  I am also getting an impression that this other woman is a little vindictive, and part of the reason she is doing this to him is not because the fact that they are not together but more the fact that he is with someone else.  And really you are at the point where you have 3 options, and you have to choose which is best for you and what will make you as a person happier.  The first is to completely walk away from this situation, which is going to be stressful and a strain on your relationship for quite a while.  The second option, is to determine if you really love this guy and decide that you are going to stick with him no matter what happens, and that you will have a united front.  And the third thing that you can do would be to kind of take a break from the relationship, but still be friends, still hand out and be involved in each others life, but not necessarily be IN a relationship which would allow this other woman to kind of get over her hurt, chill out on being so vindictive, and possibly end up in a better situation with this guy so then later you will be able to walk into a healthier situation, but that is going to involve you putting your relationship with this guy on hold for a period of time.
Q-Is this other woman really pregnant or still pregnant?
A-My initial reaction was that yes she was pregnant, she waited a while to tell him, and something in my gut is that she might have had a miscarriage but she is still saying all these things.  And if she did not have a miscarriage she has some type of complication.
Q-Did she claim it was an abortion?
A-I think maybe as a threat but no I do not think she had an abortion.
Q-From you own personal life experience, which option would you feel would be most beneficial to Asha?
A-If she really truly loves this guy and feels that she can have a future with him I would probably go with option 3.  And DO NOT put YOUR life on hold.  You can keep him in your life, but keep your friends, do not say no to other dates, and keep and open mind.  And if it is really meant to be it will work out, but be honest to yourself to.
Q-Do you think she already knows the answer?
A-I think she does and it is between option 1 and 3.  But that is her personal choice to make.
Q-You mentioned financial issues, if the other woman is no longer pregnant, do you see her get impregnated again?
A-No not by him, I see her suing him for medical bills and all kinds of stuff.
Q-If she chooses this guy, will the make her happy in the future?
A-I think this will be one of those things that is going to cause trust issues and will be one of those topics that comes up overtime she has a disagreement.  They will have to work hard to get through this.
Q-Do you see her being happier with someone else?
A-Honestly YES, because deep down they broke up for a reason before, and then when you add all of this on top of that, that is a very hard thing to get over.  I think she loves him and cares about him, she is probably scared she will not find someone else that she feels this way about, but she has to have faith that their is someone out their.  When she starts a relationship with them it is going to be a beautiful thing without all of this baggage.
Q-If you had to describe in a few words what she should do, what would it be?
A-I would say take a break from this mess, do some soul searching, and listen to her gut NOT your emotions.  I do not think you can detach from your emotions while you are in this mess.  The phrase I just got was "Listen to your head not your Heart".   I wish her the best.  
8:43 PM. Link to Audio

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Omg, you are gifted....this speaks to's an eye opener. I thank you!!!